I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
