plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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