seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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