lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
