I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I did not marry a roomba.
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