she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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