I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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