I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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