The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize