Michael Bay diarrhea
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
