so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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