I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
