Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just found a bag of teeth...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
