Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
