so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
