FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
