I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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