meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
