My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
