I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
