how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
