Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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