Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
