You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
