Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
