If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
