My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
