there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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