I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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