hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize