I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
