Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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