Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
