I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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