he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
