Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
