I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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