Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
