remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
