he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
