i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize