When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
