did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
