I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
