My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
