all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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