Jerry, you need to find god
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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