Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Maybe he injected his testicle?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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