We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize