Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
