Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
