mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
