What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
This is classic penis vs brain.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
