everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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