a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
