Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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