Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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