he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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