I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
