Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
