if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
And then he peed in my hair
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