My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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