rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
