just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
