Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
