i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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