Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
