Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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