My balls are so social today.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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