I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
