I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize